It's Wednesday,
Let's write it lovers...
Today's topic is about knowing your worth, committing to demanding the people in your life show up in a way that relays they're aware of that in full, and if they can't for whatever reason, forgive and forge forward... hey siri, cue not my problem by Laila!
I'm in a huge transition season in my life, like big. huge.(Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman voice) It simply is what it is... Japan, as I assumed it would be but couldn't have even prepared for or anticipated fully without being here is a catalyst back into being my full self... that plus my full saturn return? I'm shedding and growing at the same time. And it's uncomfy but it's oh so lovely and I'm so happy... yes we love Joy, and need her all the time... oh but mama's happy, even in the tears, the nights where I've been feeling the eclipse(s) so heavy I can't sleep, the times I've been questioning my relationships, having to forgive myself for letting people play with and play about me, adjusting to a high-context culture without certain creature comforts... I'm happy.
And that's what this post is about today. I'm an ENFJ-A, and if you don't know what that is, click this link right here to find out your personality type... it takes ten minutes (if that) and you're finna be read for better or for worse, your choice. But anyway. back to me.
ENFJA:
65% Extroverted (not that huge of difference from introverted hello! Introverted Extrovert here.
89% Intuitive. Cancer, let's go.
65% Feeling... not that huge of a difference from thinking... them feels gone be numero uno err'time especially as a cancer, but we are in control of our emotions over here, not the other way around. How I feel is not finna run me off the road.
71% Judging. The opposite end of this prospecting. This simply means I think ahead a lot and through my actions, versus kinda blowing with the wind. Can get murky if unchecked.
64% Assertive vs. Turbulent. Simply put, mama's more calm, confident and laid back than she is anxious, self-conscious and perfectionist. This again though, like E and F aren't super far from the opposite, so when I'm not careful.. that perfectionism be creeping...There are a slew of other amazing and challenging qualities included in this for me like high authenticity, loyalty, altruism, conflict resolver, boundary issues, emotional absorption, etc... go take the test lol.
What's all this say? Big strengths of mine are I'm constantly self improving (makes sense this is my favorite genre of reading.. psych/self help/ betterment), I'm highly emotionally intelligent, very Inspiring (cue gifts of the spirit), and adaptable! Because I'm always committed to self improvement, change must be a part of that. And defending others when they are being treated poorly or unfairly is also a HUGE part of this. Now let's get into these weaknesses, how they've helped me see my worth in this one month in Japan, and how I'm no longer folding/negotiating on what I need/ how they show up within my relationships... any of them.
Perfectionist. Honestly, Hi Everyone, my name's Jasmin and I'm a recovering perfectionist! (Say hi, Jasmin) We've touched on this one, it's always a work in progress, but being in solitude reminds you how unattainable and fake perfection is so it's been pretty simple reminding myself when I start to feel that creeping in that that's not me... or anyone or anything on the planet. lol, next.
Neglecting Self Care: I do this a lot with the people I love. NO MORE!! I have, for most of my twenties put the needs of others before my own well being. You need something accommodated in our relationship that hurts me but I want you to feel seen and respected? Sure, I 'll sacrifice my sanity and needs, no problem! Fucking yikes. If you have a vagina, you prolly identify with this one a lil harder too :/ Here's to being selfish, and encouraging my deepest and most shallow bonds to be selfish too, and connect over THAT. Selfish doesn't equal mean. And I've had some people close to me call me fucking selfish in a negative way for prioritizing myself in moments, and it's broken a lot of trust that I'm wrestling on whether it's worth getting back. Because if you see me that way... then I fear you may never see me fully. And I need people in my corner that recognize my weaknesses, and don't try and turn them into strengths, but that remind me even with them, I am strong.
Overextended! My desire to help everyone can spread me too thin. Man oh man, I think so many people in my life close to me have directly benefitted from this also. It's directly linked to point 2. I love helping people, because as I stated about my strengths, I'm obsessed with self improvement, and how you feel about you is how you treat others! However, sometimes my desire to help mfs lay hold of everything God has for them... I become a martyr and put myself on the chopping block... insert the fact that I'm a Black woman and an artist, and oy vey! If I'm not super intentional with this one, I-- literally me-- will get lost in the sauce. This is something that's been easy to recognize and course correct in solitude. Oop, I'm responding and checking for your texts when I need to be studying. Oop, I'm on IG tryna interact with your content when I really need to be in the studio or making my own! Personal boundaries have also been helping with this.. small ones too that build self trust like: only for certain people will I answer a random call. no phone/ calls on Sundays, that's my day. and alternating on scheduling calls back home on mornings where I don't have class....sometimes I can extend, because that's love "the willingness to extend for one's own or anothers spritual growth." Overextending gets into sacrifice territory and that's no bueno.
Self-critical... the line for this one is deep and profoundly simple: "You may struggle to embrace your imperfections as part of growth" cue the emoji that pops up when you type "tipsy" lmao. I also think people in my life have benefitted from this, and also have been on the receiving end of its detriment. When you're super self critical, you're typically first to apologize or "come to your senses" to initiate growth and ascertain where you're the issue. however, this can leave loved ones never having to initiate that growth or close the gap between where they are/where they wanna be independently and interdependently. So now I'm doing all of the emotional driving and heavy lifting in this bitch, and/or apologizing for shit that's not even my fault. that's the benefit. However, lemme show you how it works right quick (lbs): Because I am self critical, I recognize how critical I can be of others... and how I don't have difficulty accepting their flaws, but difficulty not allowing the conversation to end there. Everyone isn't as self aware and committed to self growth as I am, and sometimes I can truly take that shit personally. I simply be like: I wanna be a better human for me, but also to be a better human being on the PLANET encountering other people because people need people, how is this not everyone's goal? lmao. because everyone ain't you girl... and that's a gift. Also not embracing my imperfections as a part of growth can give me unrealistic expectations of myself, and consequently others. Then I'm tryna drag you to a destination on your road of potential before you're ready or interested which can come off as condescending and patronizing. This is something again, easier to see, point out, and course correct in solitude... but life is not meant to be lived in solitude, biologically we are wired for connection, so where does this all fit with those you love? Those you connect with. Realizing your worth, demanding (without demeaning or defeating) that people show up for me in full, and forgive and forge on if they cannot/ choose to not? I'll tell you what I know so far, and I'll keep this next part short and sweet, mamas hungry and has some Love is Blind, Tell me Lies, and two new romcoms on Prime to catch up on after another week of classes ;)
I need people in my life that take the time to learn not only my strengths but my weaknesses. I am worth that. I need to be in deep connection with people in my life that do not want to benefit from my weaknesses, and when they are can initiate a course correct themselves. Furthermore when they don't recognize it, they are open to me bringing to their attention WITHOUT getting defensive, and course correcting. I am worth this. I need people in my life that when I am deeply functioning in my weaknesses (as we all do, this is the duality of being divine and inhabiting a body) remind me of my strengths, and don't blur the lines between grace and enabling. I am worth this. I need deep connections in my life that challenge and inspire me... the lowest hanging fruits do not appeal to me.. in any form... naturally.. do with that what you will. I am worthy. Lastly, this is something I've just developed the language for: Advocacy is my preferred form of protection. I need to be in deep partnership (via marriage with Tevin, and friendships with my girls//sisters) where I am protected through people advocating for me when I'm not in the room, and advocating for me to me, when I'm blind to my own strengths. I have written on my wall here in Japan: Initiation and advocacy are about being loved out loud for me. Love is to be shared, I truly believe this. I am worth this. I need people in my life that make it clear to others that play with me when it's not playtime that they don't play about me, and that there will be consequences. Not because we're God, but because you see the God in me, you, and other. Do you approve kick it tickets for bitches (gender neutral here) that emotionally bully and use me? no bueno. I am worthy. I need people in my life that are intentional about handling my feelings and consequently aren't afraid to hurt my feelings when I need to hear what I need to hear; or when God's decided to give me a word through YOU. I don't need yes-men, I need mfs to remind me I'm a yes. I am worth all of these things in full. And I also get to determine how they look. I am worth this. We are all worth this.
I can no longer tolerate people being upset or defensive with me because I am clear on my needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses, and standing on business. I no longer am "tolerating myself and my imperfections." I am learning SLOWLY but surely, how to love them and make not only peace, but nice with them. It has taken everything within me and then some to get here. to believe I'm worth it and express it... not just say it.. but to live it, with no apology. I cannot go back, it is dangerous territory, and self-sabotage with each passing hour becomes less and less familiar to me, as I've realized it is not mine. And if you truly can't meet me, to challenge me to EXPAND in these ways, and be challenged by me... then I forgive you and will forge on, but there will be change. And change isn't negative.
this isn't just about one person. every. one. in. my. life. is. on. notice. until. told. otherwise. Japan and 29 are a HUGE MOMENT FOR ME. If you're reading this and you've already recieved your notice and communicated to me you're willing to pay the price (what I'm worth, what each of us is worth) to have access to me in full, thank you. I need you, I appreciate you. I see you, I love you. If you haven't recieved your notice, and am unsure if you will, you prolly won't. If you reading this and feeling the heebie jeebies, it's on the way... and I hope, I truly hope that you're willing to pay the price, cuz I am worth it in full. And for all I encounter.. something anyone who crosses paths with me can genuinely say is that I be willing to pay the price, go the distance for love, for connection, for family, for life, for passion, for God. but I'm not giving nobody my last no more, that's not healthy. So if that's what you need... what Black people who got money but not for you be saying? "I aint een got it rn"
And if you received notice and said no thank you... cue I wish I hated you by Ariana Grande...I don't... we just must love each other from a distance... like how I love humanity but don't parlay with everyone... or how I love nutella but don't buy it (in America, I'm doming this shit in Japan) because of its high sugar count. My point is that it is your choice... but one things for certain and two things are for sure, If I'm in your life, Imma bless it before I wreck it.. and that's on chief. Decision is up to you to pay the toll and figure out how, and that is your divine right cuz guess what? You're worth it too, and I so desperately want to connect with you in worthiness, always, in all ways.
With all of my love, until next time (I've officially lived in Japan one month),
Mrs. Jasmin. Dominique. Taylor.
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