It's Wednesday, Let's write it....
Today I'm feeling all of the effects of the second eclipse of this season. As an HSP (highly sensitive person), and a highly spiritual person, ruled by the moon as a cancer...man can I feel the tide...
I can feel all of the changes in and around me. I can feel the truths of my Saturn return revealing themselves to me, daily, almost moment by moment... I can tell that Saturn is in the same place it was at the time of birth, because I feel the process of being reborn, right now. And birth is scary. I've never birthed a human but I've been birthed before... mmm.. that feels profound, and like something I need to take note of as I type it... something to cling to in all of this uncertainty and newness... I've been birthed before.
This means I've made it... through the crumbling and crushing of body parts to fit through the tightest canal. I've been pushed, past the point of what I've known to be comfortable, to bring all that was created in darkness to the light...and that's exactly how I feel and what's happening in my life right, fucking. now. wow.
So many things have been coming up for me. Mainly my wants. A mantra that has been on repeat in my heart, mind, and spirit is: I am safe to create the life I desire. Cue Fire by Jasmin Taylor "where truth and transformation are the only things desired..."
Returning to this form of self trust, and radical self love as Sonya Renee Taylor calls it in her life changing book "The Body Is Not An Apology" feels like a crumbling of a building and a swamp all at the same time. Shit is falling down and bubbling up all at once. I'm tearing down the people pleasing, the need to over insert word (think, do, move, play-my-part, exaggerate, the list could go on and on, but we ain't doing that today). And what's coming up is my inner child's need to be trusted and believe in myself the way you do when you are a child... before the world comes in and hurts your feelings, before your family of origin accidentally teaches you bad habits and how not to care for yourself, before capitalism becomes a life focus that falsely equates having a rich life, before you have words for all of the categories that life, your brain, and people want to put you in, before you learned how to make yourself smaller because of your gender, skin color, sexual orientation, faith or lack-thereof, before you learned what it meant to be human other than inhabiting a body...
For me, eclipse season has been specific, as God is being very intentional with letting me know HOW intentional God always is with me. My inner child is begging me to remember who I was before trauma... before body-shame, before disgust and shame... the deepest, most ugly things I've felt about myself post childhood sexual abuse and emotional trauma from my family(s) of origin... and while those are scary things that come up, the emphasis is not on the scary, it's on the before.. it's on "before I formed you in your mother's womb, I knew you." The focus is, hope. With hope another line comes to mind "For I know the plans I have for you, plans not to harm you, to give you hope, and a future..." She's begging, for my highest value as an adult, truth. So here it goes, here goes my stab at relaying the truth as it's come and is coming to me:
it came to me literally as I wrote it: I've been birthed before... I have literal zero reason not to trust in the timing, grace, redemption, and rewiring of my life. God entrusts me not only with breath in my body and a new day each day, but I've been entrusted with GIFTS THAT HAVE NOT ATROPHIED EVEN IN MY NON OR MISUSE. D E E P. Done doubting what God is trusting.. it's a silly losing game, and I was...we all, were born to win... keep fighting (another Jasmin Taylor original, insert smirk lol)
Trust is predicated on safety. This is why the mantra I am safe to create the life I desire is so deep. Not only am I safe to create, which includes failure... on a deeper note, I am safe to trust the desires of my heart. WHOA. I think the last time I did that was 2000, forreal. Once people put their hands on you, or their voice in your head, especially at an impressionable age- it goes to your heart... and because those actions are forms of betrayal, you lose a lot of trust.. in yourself, in others, in the world you live in, in the body you inhabit... and it takes a lot of time, and gritty, messy work to unlearn all that bullshit and return to you. And then once you return to you, you gotta go through all this messy, gritty work to TRUST you. While I'm not exactly where I want to be with my inner voice, with my inner child, I can truthfully say the last three weeks I've listened to her everyday, known it was her, and trusted her. And if I didn't I immediately apologized and course corrected. Big. Huge. (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman voice)
When's the last time you apologized to yourself? Like, seriously. For not doing what you wanted, for doing what you didn't....for betraying yourself, for allowing someone to betray you... for not listening to your voice, for not taking the time to know and explore your voice... let alone your body? I encourage you, take the time to not only sit with you, but to hold your adult self accountable to your inner child.. he/she/they deserve your attention and absolution just as much as your children, your spouse, your parents, your coworkers, your friends, all the way to the damn global community at large.
Relationships are a beautiful, necessary part of life. This includes and is not limited to your relationship with your self and your body. Before you so quick to pour into a nigga, a marriage, a bestie, a habit... HAVE YOU POURED INTO YOU? When's the last time you took yourself on a date? When's the last time you made a decision without asking someone else to validate or encourage it? When's the last time you bought yourself some damn flowers? Stop sleeping on dating, loving, exploring, knowing, forgiving, expecting, and needing you... that's the first relationship... and I honestly think that's our relationship with God because God is not outside of us.. we experience God in us, through us, as us...yep, I ordered Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, it'll be here Monday lol.
Creating is not an option in this life experience. You either create, fail, and feel. Or you're a puppet regurgitating only what others have created and pushing what's inside of them and not inside of you...which means you're essentially living someone else's experience... which I think is in its own form, death. this doesn't mean don't collaborate or seek to create with others... this requires trust, and when you trust you, your creations, and don't judge them... you're a better collaborator. Doesn't matter what you create.... emphasis on this meaning you're also not only meant to create other people... women, I'm talking to you mama. While I think in certain periods of life children are the highest form of collaboration in a heteronormative partnership, I do not think this is the highest form of collaboration or partnership no matter your relationship dynamic.... collaboration of ideas... collaboration of goals... inspiration... I think hold just as much, if not more... I'll circle back on this when I become a mother.. but too often I've seen women say the greatest thing they've ever done is have children/become a mother and put them first... and I don't hear the joys of motherhood... I hear, the best thing I've ever done is no longer put myself first.. and by God, I do not believe you have to do that to love and create more human beings... and as a woman that is a daughter of a boomer, and the same with all my sister friends... we are struggling on putting ourselves first in almost every area of our lives BEFORE kids because we didn't see yall do it... and this is also leading some of the girls to be PETRIFIED of motherhood bc in the words of Bell Hooks: Love is the willingness to extend for ones own or another's spiritual growth... but we haven't seen extension, we've seen near-death sacrifice and martyrdom.... and we all know the phrase "do as I say not as I do" just don't work. It's not too late though, start doing you BOO! YOU STILL HERE. YOU ARE STILL SAFE TO CREATE THE LIFE THAT YOU, AND ONLY YOU DESIRE... and that doesn't mean you don't care about community or others... in fact.. I think it means the opposite.
When have the courage to be ourselves, to love ourselves, trust ourselves, sit with ourselves, forgive ourselves, create with ourselves, and laugh with ourselves to the highest degree, and to do so unapologetically... it is contagious... When you fill your cup so much that it overflows, you give your excess more freely, because you have what you need. This my friends, I'm learning, is when giving becomes its own reward again.
That's all for today, it was 89 degrees today and mamas sticky and needs a shower after a full school day... I wanted to hit a dance class but I'm tired, and would much rather shower, watch a rom com, eat some yummy food, and then hit me and Tev's therapy session because I trust that I'll get to class, because I'm safe to create the life I desire, and I truly desire to be back in dance classes.
PS- yup, therapy in two timezones in two different hemispheres because since I'm pouring into myself first, I have it to pour into my marriage and work on this huge distance and transition that we're in right now. AIN'T NO SHAME IN OUR MF GAME.... and there need not be any in yours.
With all of my love, wishing you a return to your inner life that colors the outer,
Mrs. Jasmin Dominique Taylor.
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