It's Wednesday, let's write it.
For the first time in my memory (and I have the memory of an elephant) I'm not seeking to have or do more. Now this to some may sound like I've given up some ambition, some hope, etc... and I could see why you think that.. but in the words of Sarah Jakes-Roberts "stick with me, I'm going to bless you."
I simply seek to make do with what I already have, and be fully present while pouring into the things that I already do. And I have and a do a lot. And I think this is a great place for me to be. And it's quite uncomfortable
As a recovering perfectionist, a performing artist, wife, daughter, and friend, striving for more has always felt familiar to me... it has also always felt desperate, unfair, and like a form of survival not thrival mode. And, as you do when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I quit. Examples of this in the East(ern hemisphere of the world) are as follows:
I have an amazing community that I've built and that God has built for and around me in the United States. As I'm here in Japan, I also have an automatic community as a student here at Toyo University, as a member of certain classes, and someone who lives in the dormitory I do. An older version of myself would've sought out every opportunity to connect with as many people as possible, and to grow or begin new connections. This version of me? The clunky metamorphosis Imma love you unconditionally no matter what FORREAL version of me isn't really interested in building or finding new community. I am open to it if it comes through class, the open mics I attend, the dance studios I go to, shared cravings for Ramen etc.... but if it does not, I HAVE an amazing community, and want to continue to pour into them by allowing them boundaried access to the woman I am and am becoming during said metamorphosis. So, shout out to the peeps who I've sat with in class here in Japan, and who I've dined with, I appreciate you. And no, I'm not looking to go to game night in the dorms... nor am I looking to commute to and from class together, nor am I looking to plan our weekends with each other. I'm an atypical college student, so a lot of the things the people around me are seeking I've either done or do differently. TO HAVE MADE PEACE WITH THIS IS DEEP FOR ME.
being boundaried with my homies. We talking and catching up, but I'm missing calls and we have to schedule our time. I like that. I've kind of always been an all access girl, and I realize that meant I was cutting off my access to me... cue inner child tears and a hip hip hooray.
I'm not tryna find out how to sell out shows in Japan, or perform in the hottest venues, or take class from the people who may be booking tours.... I'm simply taking my ass gym everyday, hitting an open mic once a week, utilizing the dance and music studio in my building, and taking class when I want/my schedule allows weekly and sticking to it.
While I'd like to get a part time job here for fluency and cultural immersion, I'm balancing my books in way where there's not even necessary... being here in the East makes me realize how much I have, and how much I don't need.... and when you know what you DON'T need, you can so focus on what you do.
I'm a brave girl. I'm not seeking any more bravery or courage, I already have those. So now I'm just focusing on trusting what I already have versus looking for actions that prove to myself (which that lowkey always means proving to others because when you trust you you don't have shit to prove) that I'm brave and courageous. I'm taking my time. If I truly am not interested in doing something, or taking something on, I'm not. and I'm not overexplaining or over examining why to myself. And when I almost venture down that road cuz I'm triggered or afraid, I breathe and apologize and reset.
Instead of all these new affirmations and thoughts, I'm talking to myself in small moments of fear the way I talk to the community I have and love so much.. the community that loves and cherishes me so dearly.. the community that even 6,298 miles away I can hear and feel!
So here's to not wishing for more, but recognizing I am the more, so I simply have to continuing being me. Wishing everyone a year and quarter four where they can change, uninhibited, and relearn and return to who they are as they approach a new decade of their life without judgement. Wishing you a community that makes you remember you are so safe and held by how you hold and love them and yourself; so much so that wherever you are on the planet, you and them are STILL your favorite people on the planet. where you changing and returning to the you that God knew in the womb before he formed you, inspires them to do the same and to keep loving you right where you at. You deserve dear. Amen and ase.
My halal is calling.
With all my love from Tokyo, until next week,
Mrs. Taylor
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