So, I live in Japan now, more on how and all that later, maybe. Anywho! I'm excited and it's coming with all the feels and thoughts and also not. I also haven't written in this way in a while, but I'd consider it like riding a bike, and consider me back on it baby!
Also, it feels serendipitous that even after this blog hiatus it's Wednesday on this side of the world, and technically back home in the West, so without further ado... drum roll please: it's Wednesday, let's write it.
This week in Tokyo has been my most reflective of the year, and I'm a married millennial cancerian performing artist so... that says a lot lol. I've been reflecting on many things but for now I'll drop a few of the nuggets I've been thinking.
I am not responsible for facilitating anyone's life experiences. As I return to this fact, giving will once again become its own reward.
I've been unhappy in a lot of areas in my life, specifically career and marriage. Not that being married makes me unhappy. Moreso that even as a fire moon, baby of the family, no-nonsense God first kinda girl, I find that the system of heteropatriarchy makes it really hard to stand on your own, radically, as a woman. And that marriage for heterosexual women, even with the right person, can feel like prison if you're not adamant about your freedom because it was kind of designed that way in the West. If you're not intentional daily, your life as a woman, will become about your marriage and partner... by design.. it's a system. And I love our mothers, but did you think of your mother when reading this? no judgement, and you don't have to tell me the answer. Luckily, even as we fail forward, I have a partner interested and committed to breaking this system in our lives as much as we can. More on this in the coming weeks.
Career is just about consistency but also needing a break from the West. It's a lot of fake shit, fake talented people, fake clout, fake connections, and my spirit, and more specifically my gifts just needed a break. A space and time for them to exist as the deposits that spirit has entrusted me with to make room for myself and others... and the West, America... during election year.... just feels full... like there's no space.
This is my second time to Japan, and I'm realizing that my self trust has depleted tremendously since my first time in the country in 2019. However, since then we've lived through a global pandemic... and this makes sense... my pre-frontal cortex has also developed so... there's that too. Using this next year as an opportunity to return to me knowing what's best for me, and not seeking any external claps, validation, or mhmm's from anyone else, and that's besties included.
I have no interest in making new friends here. I am interested in learning more about how to be an interdependent member of global society, and connecting with humans near and far.. but friends? I have those, and damn great ones.. so past interdependent human connection, I'm not really game lol. and for the first time in my life, thats liberating. Took me almost thirty years to be unwilling to be anyone's friend, and I think that's a feat. I'm not for everybody, everyone isn't for me, love is still free. Period. We ain't gotta be friends for me to love you .
I block people that are no longer in alignment with my life, especially over acts of disrespect. I had to part ways with someone I considered a close friend due to an act of disrespect that was outside of my boundaries, and to be truthful, it felt good. Not because blocking or losing someone is fun, but because maintaining boundaries after childhood sexual abuse, a gaslighting family of origin, and rewiring your brain after many toxic relationships, feels good.
I'm a pretty radical bitch. very brave. very classy. very me. that's it, that's 7.
Language is one of the few things ALL humans have. I'm excited to expand my understanding of human beings and the tools we all have to communicate with each other through gaining fluency in Japanese.
Healing is going good. Messy, but good :)
I'm the most present I've been to date, and that means mama's not on the right track... I'm finally clear I'm the track... so just pay attention.
More soon.
With all my love,
Mrs. Taylor
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