Yo,
How you feelin? If no one else asks you, I care.. even if I can't hear the response... I care that you check in with you and know how YOU are feeling.
How am I feelin? mmmmm... mama's got much happening. Huge ass party July 18th for the release of my second studio protect (shameless plug) combined with it being my birthday party because on the 19th, I turn 24. On top of that, still grinding, adjusting to marriedness, and living my best life... counting down to vacation in August. I feel.... like I've been supporting myself out here forreal since I was 18.... no one has paid any of my bills since I've moved out, and I moved out at 18. I moved home twice after leavin for college and both times stayed for less than 6 months and paid rent or something! And for these experiences I feel eternally grateful. It's taught me that I can support myself, and not only can I survive, I can thrive... and feel joy... solo.
It's also hardened my cancerian shell, as a means to protect all the delicious gooeyness that once the proper amount of hot water hits it turns into the delicious meat we all love to indulge in, on the inside. (for those not savvy, the cancer is the crab of the zodiac... also the nurturer, the most maternal, and the sign most associated with feeling... and it's my season, currently)
I'm really good at supporting myself. Being my own cheerleader, my own critic, making my own bands, traveling where I want, eating what I want, freakin who I want, singing what I want, dancing how I want... I got it... and I'm clear where my ultimate help comes from, God. Don't get me wrong, I have a MOMMA, a Mommy, and a Mom all in one... I was raised... so don't get it twisted... shoutout mama. And during HS my sister Kelly let me live with her to commute to school easier, so I understand somewhat what its like to have a village. I also oftentimes, feel disconnected from my biological family on both sides, in a way that makes each of them, with the exception of my sister Cortni and my mommy, feel estranged. I am drawn to, love, and crave deep connections. Im quite in tune with the energy within that we all share... The needs to be seen, heard, connected, loved... belong... and I find... with the family that I was born into... I don't often feel supported in those ways... doesn't mean they aren't trying and I'm saying fuck their efforts.. it might simply mean, they're not doing what I need.. and me the same when it comes to them if they share these feelings.
I feel different... a lot... and I have difficulty at times letting other people support me because.. I don't trust it... and honestly, time and experience has taught me.... people, family specifically ain't down to support me in the way I NEED. And up until 6 months ago, I recognized I wasn't quite supporting myself in the way I needed also by allowing this consistently and how I treated myself in my alone time; so can't be mad at mfs when I'm not doing my part... can't be out here looking for things on the outer that mama can supply with the inner! Now, I'm kinder to myself.. I'm more self-compassionate AND self-patient, and I've found that I now can extend that to others. Im always creating boundaries and im FINALLY in the stage where it's getting kinda fun lol. #barely
What does this mean? What are the ways you need to be supported Jas? I need relationships and bonds where theres an explicit expectation that we're doing our best to tailor our behaviors to the needs of the people in said bond or relationships. Not being pushovers and only doing what ONE person needs, but BOTH people... are balancing and treating the bond that it is worth time and unique effort... on BOTH PARTS. I hear a lot in my family, and honestly in this era that people should let go of their expectations and they wouldn't be so disappointed or hurt and let people live... and although that may be true, I wonder how harmful that is to humanity... and vulnerability... Cuz I think you can let mfs live and be hopefully expectant... which can in turn... give them even more to live for :)
I wanna expect support from my family. Even if not monetarily, I want to expect emotional and mental support... Spiritually I've always felt supported which is a blessing. I know, somebody always praying for me. With that, I want to expect my pops to call in and check on his daughter ( you been doing better pops, shout out papa) I want to expect my aunts and uncles to pull up to my shows if they free, or a check in and an I love ya randomly, I want to expect my sisters and I to be in communication consistently... and here's the kicker.... I WANT THEM TO EXPECT SHIT FROM ME! I want them to expect me to call, to babysit when and if I can, to come through and make a dish for a family potluck every 6 weeks because a lot of us live in the same city.... The problem is.. everybody busy trying to act like they don't have expectations and letting people live when in all actuality to me, you're giving up on, and not cultivating genuine bonds.... I'm over it. I don't want to be around people, or close to people that don't expect shit from me.. sorry not sorry.
Do I wanna be around people that expect me to always have everything for them, or that demand all of my time or thoughts or think their two cents ALWAYS matters? No. But I do want to be around people that have hopeful expectations of me, and that I can have hopeful expectations of. We all fall short. No one is perfect. and I need people around me that hold me accountable and call me out on falling short because they love me and wanna see me living to my fullest potential as a HUMAN... that's the support I need.
I need cousins like my cousin Jade...we beefed HARD last year.. and she's pregnant now with no whip... and we live on opposite sides of the city... she called me and said... Jas can you take me to my appointment? and I rescheduled my studio session for her and she hit me with some gas money... then called me the next week and said can you take me to drop off my time sheet... and I said... yeah... I can move my day around. HELP ME HELP US AND MYSELF. Help me be a better family member, take a chance... she had no reason to believe I was available or could... or that I would make time for her other than the fact that she was hopeful because we cousins... and I saw that and felt seen and loved and like a family member to her in that moment, and said I wanna feel more of this. She couldve asked anyone, caught an uber... the bus... but she hopefully expected that she could reach out to her cousin and that I'd care and I did... and honestly we talk weekly now... we did before that.. but our trust of each other is just building and those two small encounters have made a big difference.. and it's silent... we don't have to talk about how its growing or building.. it just is... and I'm grateful... because we need family.
Anywho.. I love my biological family.. and I love my chosen family... my sister friends.. my brother from another mother Atticus...my husband... Geezy... Claire Bataille (may she rest in peace)... Marni...etc... and I'm grateful for a God that is everything I need at all times... I also want to do better supporting those I love in ways I can, and I want them to expect that.. and I wanna expect them to be family for/to me too. Everyone's definition of family is different, and we can talk about that.. but just NO expectations? that's not loving to me. that's not family to me. that's not natural to me.. and I think it's harmful.. I think its a cop-out for feeling vulnerable and getting disappointed. and yes getting hurt and disappointed fucking sucks.. but I'll take those feelings over feeling like Im not worth trusting, having hope and faith in, and seeing the good, the God, within. ONE experience can change your life. ONE day, ONE moment, ONE person... so have some faith... hopefully expect, communicate, try... you're fucking worth it g... we all are.
How do you support yourself? How do you support those around you? How do you keep the faith?
With all of my love,
Jasmin
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